A black sedan weaved carefully past panicked civilians toward the crash site. Marines waved it through a cordon when a hand shoved complicated paperwork through the tinted window.

Out stepped a man wearing a smart suit. Pure confusion shone on soldiers’ faces as he waved their bulletproof vest away. “Time me,” he said. “I bill by the minute, and the President’s on the clock.”

The suited man strolled toward dozens of six-limbed, semigelatinous creatures with wolflike heads as big as semi trucks. He waved. “Hi. I’ll need a version of whatever translation tech you have.” An alien grunted.

The man smiled. “You’re the leader. I’ll presume you’re asking: ‘Why.’ Simple: I’m here to discuss the immigration process with you.” One of the creatures fitted a fungal spore over his right ear. The leader’s speech became less garbled.

“We come not as immigrants, but conquerors! I should eat you!”

“You’ll invoke some pretty severe war crimes charges, consuming the enemy during negotiation. Alive, too, so you’re heaping cruel and unusual punishment on top. Going to be an ugly legal process for you. Speaking of, can you produce documentation proving the sanctioning of this invasion by a quorum of peer civilizations? What legal or ancestral claim provides you jurisdiction over this territory?”

Though judging them was difficult, the man guessed he was witnessing expressions of confusion. “Tell you what. You guys take all the time you need, draw up some paperwork, and call me when you’re ready to do this right.” He offered up a business card.

The aliens conferred amongst themselves, and the leader declared: “We shall confer and return in fury!”

“Tactful fury. Love it. Talk soon.”

Just like that, the creatures lumbered back into their craft and exited the atmosphere.

The man pivoted, asking, “How’d I do?” An officer shook his head, noting it had been seven minutes. “Damn!” the man laughed. “Almost stretched it past ten. Hey, here’s my card, and if something else comes up, have someone from a higher pay grade call me, okay?”

He swung into the vehicle and wheeled away. The officer stared at the card.

Jedediah Jansen
Attorney At Law
“Every truth was, at some point, invention.”