HELP WANTED: Mage’s Assistant.
Part time entry level position available, with possibility of advancement in a highly specialized field. Join a rapidly-growing number of young professionals finding job placement in more popular fields too competitive, who have sought out a lucrative career in the mystic arts.
Duties would include (but are not limited to): taking and appropriately filing notes; maintaining a tidy, organized office and storage space; preparation of food, beverages, staffs, crystals, potions, altars; and screening messages, be they arriving by telephone, raven, orb, avatar, telepathic suggestion, or e-mail.
Must be willing to work irregular hours and during holidays – especially solstices; equinoxes; full moons; planetary alignments; and Arbor Day. Any work done outside of the current time period, timestream, or reality will be paid in keeping with an ongoing hourly record relative to the worker and employer’s perception of the passage of time. It will, however, be considered overtime, and workers will be compensated appropriately.
Applicants should be proficient in typing; filing; shorthand; Latin; Runic.
Experience in trapping and field dressing is ideal but not required. Familiarity with the dead is a plus. Familiarity with the undead even more so.
Education should include some knowledge on the following texts: the Bible (traditionally ecclesiastical and non-canonic texts); the Necronomicon; the Alchemic Table of Elements; and The Lord of the Flies. (Note: That is not to insinuate that employees will have guaranteed contact with high-ranking members of any demonic planes. The Lord of the Flies is just a good book, and the employer thinks you should have it in your repertoire.)
Any food or animal allergies should be noted in the initial interview, as should all previous periods of enthrallment and possession. Please provide a list of character references, preferably comprised of individuals located on this plane. If particular rites are required to contact any references, kindly provide all supplies necessary for said rituals.
Please refer all inquiries to Waylon The Magnificent, c/o The Order of the Blue Dawn, Hartford, CT.
Please note that the employer is a strict adherent to the Federal Non Discrimination Pact, and will therefore consider each potential employee with equal opportunity.*
*Trolls need not apply.
I (perhaps obviously) do not own the rights to The Lord of the Flies. Those belong, I believe, to the William Golding estate.