What was unusual about the fruit in the middle of town was not so much its appearance – although its purple tint was undeniably unusual for a pineapple. No, it was the means of the pineapple appearing at all that had all the residents abuzz with inquiry and speculation.
The township of Bile wasn’t the sort of town you’d see a pineapple in at all, you understand, let alone a mystery pineapple left at the break of dawn in the middle of the town square with no indication of its ownership or origins.
After the local grocer looked it over and pronounced it to be, in his expert opinion, fit for consumption, the question became: who would take it? Unafraid of unknown plagues or poisons, local drunk Dan Bailey popped a chunk in his craw. His report: “It’s alright, I suppose.”
A wave of relief washed over the crowd as it dissipated to spread the news to other corners of Bile. It would have dominated conversations the following day, as well, if another pineapple, this one a fluorescent green, had not appeared in exactly the same spot as its predecessor. And surely that would have provided sufficient gossip, had not Mr. Bailey walked into town tinged a profound purple.
All his skin had turned a purplish hue, it seemed. After the town sawbones looked him over and pronounced him to be, in his expert opinion, fine, the new pineapple became all the more alluring and terrifying. Saloon owner Hal Johnson volunteered. The verdict: “Hey, that’s pretty good.” Cheers rang out.
Barely a moment past the following dawn the town square was crowded with curious citizens. Sure enough, Mr. Johnson approached positively glowing green. And sure enough, there was a pineapple, checkered black and white, sitting in plain view.
A lottery was established to determine the tester of today’s fruit. Bile’s gaudily-outfitted Mayor serendipitously drew his own name and cut a delicate slice. He rendered the sampling, “A delicious treat,” and promptly dropped dead.
In the subsequent investigation led by Interim Mayor Johnson, little was concluded surrounding the strange events of the infamous Pineapple Scare, save this: “Man was perhaps never meant to eat checkered foods.”