RARE PIRATE DISCOVERY DISAPPOINTS
April 1, 2039
Bethany Poblanos, WREC Staff

“It was more valuable than any gold we could have found,” claimed archaeologist Juniper Halpern upon discovering a nineteenth-century chest filled not with doubloons, but with clothing. “These artifacts show us the lives that these sailors led in much more vivid detail than anything up to this point.”

Dr. Halpern, a tenured member of the staff at Florida State University’s Chattanooga campus, has dedicated his career to the study of one obscure pirate in particular: Julien Barbados, better known as Red Strap. He was rewarded ten years ago when a series of letters led him to a treasure trove of pirate clothing, including the famous red sash that gave Red Strap his name. The discovery provided Halpern national attention and a best-selling book: Beaches and Breeches: A History of Piratical Garb.

In the intervening years, Dr. Halpern has invested heavily in the efforts of a colleague from the University of Arizona at Ruidoso, Professor Miles Tongay. The daring project is in the bleeding edge field of quantum observation, which Professor Tongay claims will allow humans to view the entirety of an object’s history from that object’s perspective.

Dr. Halpern’s dreams were realized this week, as he gazed through the miracle of modern machinery at a moment in the life of the infamous Red Strap. Upon finishing the viewing session, Dr. Halpern could not be reached for comment, although he was overheard expressing that he was “deeply disturbed” by his experience.

While cameras are not allowed within the quantum observation room, a witnessed scene has been transcribed below. A warning that its content may be inappropriate for some readers.

Pirate One: The Captain’s so high and mighty, still wearing that bloody damn rag from the boarding of the Elysia two weeks ago.

Pirate Two: Aye. Somebody oughter show him we ain’t impressed.

Pirate One: Ye got a red bandana, ain’t ya?

Pirate Two: Aye.

Pirate One: We should rub our arses with it, then give it to the Captain.

Pirate Two: Aye, slip it in with the next bit of plunder!

Pirate One: The pompous parrot’ll probably wear it every day.