NARRATOR

This week on “Surface Deep…”

 

GRUICK

I cannae believe this is happenin’.

 

NARRATOR

A new member is added to the Short N. Curleigh’s staff.

 

CURLEIGH

Allow me ta introduce yer new assistant.

 

NARRATOR

But there’s one thing that makes this hire…

 

CURLEIGH

I’d like ya ta meet–

 

NARRATOR

…a little different.

 

CURLEIGH

me daughter, Leitleigh.

 

HARLICH

Ye’re jokin’, right?

 

NARRATOR

Not everybody’s excited about having a girl in the shop.

 

GRUICK

How are we supposed to do our work wi’ a wee girl runnin’ about?

 

CURLEIGH

The same way ye’ve always done it, ya daft dwarf.

 

GRUICK

This is a place of serious business, Curleigh, not a babbysitters!

 

CURLEIGH

Ye won’ have ta take care of her. She’s meant ta help ye.

 

HARLICH

I don’ mean ta be rude, but how’s she supposed to help? What’s a woman ken about cutting dwarf hair?

 

LEITLEIGH

It is a little intimidatin’, ta be sure. I ken I have a lot ta prove.

 

HARLICH

(to camera)
I come from a long line a’ proud dwarven hairdressers goin’ back five hundred years, and not a one among ‘em was a woman!

 

NARRATOR

And when an important client arrives–

 

CURLEIGH

The head of the Emerald Guild is comin’ by at three ta get his moustache trimmed and braided. I don’ want any muckups!

 

NARRATOR

Things.

 

HARLICH

What are ye doin’ wi’ that iron, girl?

 

NARRATOR

Get.

 

LEITLEIGH

Ye said ta set it ta Dragon!

 

NARRATOR

Heated.

 

HARLICH

I said Drake, ya idiot, Drake! That could singe off all his whiskers!

 

NARRATOR

Watch the show that Opacity Tonight calls: “A stone cold hit.”

 

GRUICK

Who took me No. 3 sideburn comb?

 

NARRATOR

The Underhill Times says: “This show strikes a vein of pure guilty pleasure gold.”

 

LEITLEIGH

(crying)
I may have dug myself too deep this time.

 

NARRATOR

And you won’t want to miss the episode…

 

NARRATOR

That changes…

 

CURLEIGH

I dinnae wan’ ta do this, after everythin’ we been through, but I have nae choice.

 

NARRATOR

Everything.

 

CURLEIGH

Ye’re fired.

 

NARRATOR

The explosive season finale, which will leave your hair standing on end.

 

GRUICK

I still cannae believe this is happenin’.

 

NARRATOR

Tonight at 9, 8 Central Tunnel Time.

I realize upon review that I should have adjusted the Narrator’s lines at one point so the pacing was better, and the dialect could have used tweaking in a few spots, but this is still probably the funniest (to me) thing that I’ve written so far.